Life in RoCkBoTtOm

When my parents split I thought my life was over. I thought that since my family is now torn in two I"m gonna have to try twice as hard to get my parents to love me. Nowadays I don't seem to care if my parents love me or not. My life has hit rock bottom. Ground zero. And it feels like there is no up. I've felt like this for so long I just don't ever tell anyone. I used to always tell my mom but she just told me I was crazy all the time. Here lately I think the funnest thing I do is work. And honestly that's the only thing I do. I sit at home and watch tv and I work. Then of course sleep and eat. But most of my days are wasted away doing nothing.

And yea I've tried the whole focus on myself and worry about helping myself and standing on my two feet. But all it got me is my mother yelling at me day in and day out saying I'm selfish and I don't know the... meaning of family when she spends her time working doing school or yelling at us. I know the meaning of family and this isn't one anymore. This isn't even sane enough to be called a circus. This is one of those wards where they lock each prisoner in their own sell on an island. Like Shutter Island. I feel like I can't earn anything here. Nothing is ever good enough. So I have to fight for it and yell and kick and scream and cheat and steal anything it takes to get what I need or want. I have to have a full blown argument with my mom just to get her to take me to work sometimes. Because she doesn't understand that She was given a second chance so many times and yet she doesn't see that I need a second chance to keep going. She doesn't appreciate anything anymore. Everything is a burden and nothing is good enough to please her except her own accomplishments. I've thought my life was crap so many number of times. I can't count on my hands and toes and times that by ten and say that's how many times I've cried or broken something in frustration or yelled till I was hoarse about how hard it is to live in a shattered home. Sometimes I feel like even though my parents went through that or worse that they don't understand what they're doing to us emotionally, spirtually, or anything. My dad's always told me the hardships he went through as a kid and allll the crap he went through. and the same with my mom. But they don't understand when we try to tell them that it's happening to us too. and that they're the ones hurting us more than anyone and yet they're the only ones we have left sometimes. Because at the end of the day, family is all you'll ever have or need. And yet my dad can't come over to see his kids. Or understand that he's missing the most valuable years of their life. And my mom can't understand that she doesn't have to yell or scream or pitch a fit at everything. And that you can't blame everything on other people. And especially not on your kids. and yet we (their kids) can't tell them because they wont listen, we don't know how to tell them, they don't understand, and for me i'm just plain terrified. I wish I could show my mom that yea I have an attitude and I whine a lot but I got it from her. But also that I'm firm in what I believe in and what I want and that I'm a strong woman that can stand up for myself. and That's her in me too. And I wish I could tell my dad more often hey let's go hang out or well you come pick us up at 7. But instead I'm left wondering what he's doing and how he's doing. Worrying about his health and his work and everything! Because when I was younger I was such a daddies girl....and then daddy was gone. But ya know....I found out last year...I'm still a daddies girl. That'll never change. And no matter how much I wish I could trade out my family. I wouldn't trade them for the world because they're me and they're a part of me and I love them. Even if chris downloads viruses on the computer and messes everything up for everyone. Or if chelsea throws a fit and throws a dish and breaks it. I'll always love them. And I wish I could be open about everything I'm feeling sometimes. Like the fact that it feels like I'm losing my bestest friend in the whole wide world a little more every day and it's killing me but I just don't know how. So I'm stuck typing it out on facebook and am probably gonna get yelled at and get drama for it and yet idk how else I'm supposed to say I need help....or how else I'm supposed to say I need you. Because anyone who knows me well enough knows I'm to scared to ask for help. Either I try my best to do it on my own or I just don't want to bug anyone or waste anyones time on silly old me.